Happy Wednesday!
There was a flurry of extravagent news reported this week. From alleged Princess Kate sightings…
…to General Milley blaming the fall of Afghanistan on guitar-strummin’ Antony Blinken…
…to Joe Biden breaking a record in embassy closings…
…to Hunter Biden associates telling us that the Biden crime family is guilty of worse crimes than Jill Biden’s fashion…
…to that whole bloodbath bloodbath….
…but very little of what made major headlines this week were as important as one piece of old news that has been aggressively revived.
Biden’s footwear.
The news was awash with articles about Joe Biden’s stability-enhanced sneakers this week after an Inside Edition segment from late February resurfaced talking about Biden’s trip to the southern border in a pair of black Hokas.
It’s not news that Biden occaisonally wears a sneaker. It’s not news that Biden needs sturdy shoes (among other things) for stability. And it’s not even news that the media loves reporting on sneakers in politics!
Who could forget Texas’ Wendy Davis’ famous pink shoes…
…that the Free Beacon bought at her estate sale.
This isn’t even the first time the media obsessed over a Biden in sneakers! So-called journalists could not get over the fact that a teenage girl wore Nikes to her grandpa’s inauguration.
But, as the media pointed out, the Bidens aren’t the only sneaky sneaker-wearers!
The media also LOVES to point out that Kamala Harris LOVES wearing sneakers!
Kamala Harris was even featured on the cover of vogue in sneakers!
They couldn’t get enough of this absolutely vapid style of reporting that they then reported on her family wearing sneakers!
So as we see, reporters reporting on sneakers in politics is nothing new.
The problem is, they’re late to the game. This astute newsletter publication has been desperately ringing the bell and sounding the alarm that this collection of cushiony kicks is beyond a simple fashion choice for Joe Biden. Joe Biden’s entire wellbeing relies on his shoes.
Slidin’ Biden’s carefully curated cleats are the reason why he has not been seen publicly falling in 286 days.
Joe Biden has his standard pairs of classic dress shoes, which he now wears on only the rarest of occasions. Shockingly, one of those occasions was just this week, in the safety of his own home, while hosting Ireland’s Prime Minister for St. Patrick’s Day.
But who knows what happened once those doors were closed. My only assumption is that once the cameras were off and the journalists were gone, Joe Biden’s slick dress shoes accidentally slid across the Oval Office carpet, catapulting his head into the bowl of grass (my best working theory as to why the Prime Minister shockingly resigned days later.)
As Inside Edition detailed, Joe Biden’s most recent sneakers are the Hoka Transport shoes.
These sneakers are a bit more discrete and could be confused as regular black dress shoes if you’re not paying attention. They must have added them in as an alternate to Joe Biden’s real favorite sneakers, the slip-on Sketchers:
We know these sneakers, and we know these sneakers well. He’s worn these bad boys to the beach…
…to church…
… and to the site of the wildfires in Hawaii…
It is fair to assume that advisors in the Biden Administration felt the pressing need to replace the slip-on Sketchers with something more low profile after reading our embarrassing news coverage about Biden’s casual appearance.
Convincing Biden to move on from the slip-on Sketchers must have been not only a difficult process for the White House team, but also a vitally necessary one. Those sneakers are far too large and because they’re never worn with socks, they certainly could never be trusted to keep the President upright. The whole Biden team should just be grateful that those shoes, despite their many risks, never failed.
But the time for even minimal risk is over. The Biden administration has let too much go for too long and they cannot have this man falling or almost falling over when they need so desperately to keep him alive. They must take all footwear precautions necessary so that the Vice President (who doesn’t need to wear sneakers but does for positive media attention) isn’t forced to take over.
That’s why Biden’s shoe stylist (possibly Dr. Jill, or possibly his sister Valerie) has decided it’s time to take it up a notch.
May we present to you, Biden’s latest stabilizer: the Cole Haan Men's ZERØGRAND Remastered Wingtip Oxfords dress shoes:
From afar, you may think those are just your standard dress shoe. They appear to be ones that you might see on a spry, able-bodied man who doesn’t need orthopedic footwear as he pretends to run the country. However, upon closer look, you can see the oddities.
Thanks to our diligent investigative team here at Something Fun, we have determined that Joe Biden’s latest monstrosity is the creation of Cole Haan, retailing at 220 dollars (a small price to pay when you consider what is on the line.)
As you can see, the Cole Haan ZERØGRANDs are a hybrid of dress shoe - business on the top, industrial tire on the bottom. Based on the dozens of reviews, these shoes are the perfect mix of comfort and style.
They are described as providing “exceptional comfort,” while being “nicely crafted,” and most importantly, the manufacturer added that they have a “powerful grip for added traction.”
This is the toe-cradling trifecta the Biden team has been dreaming about.
Though the investigative team here at Something Fun is 99% certain that these Cole Haan’s are indeed the President’s latest dress shoe, we reached out to the Cole Haan team via the question section of the ZERØGRAND’s shoe page.
At the time of this publication, no one on the Cole Haan team has replied, but we are excited to hear back!
If those are indeed the shoes Joe Biden is wearing, then Cole Haan should be proud to know that the Biden White House has determined that their product is the best choice in stabilizing the leader of the free world.
Heck, if they can carry the weight of that much responsibility they may even be strong enough to stabilize an embassy!
See you next week!
-Kate
The best yet. Perfect satire and yet real research. What a gem Kate Hyde has become on substack.
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